Journal Entry

     Hello again everyone! Sorry it has been so long! Just wanted to hop on and share an entry from my journal that I wrote a little while ago. 

    Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing. Maybe it was the coffee I drank after 3pm, maybe it all of the worries in my head, the unmet deadlines, things I had forgotten come back to haunt me as I lay in my bed. As my mind was running laps, working out what I would do when I woke up, I thought about decluttering. Removing things I think I could do without. My mind roamed over my desk (where I spend most of my time now) and all the little thing I keep. In particular a stub of a pencil. The pencil is wrapped in what looks like pages from a book. I got that pencil on my 9th birthday. My sister, Grace, made them as party favors for the guests. I wonder how many more of those pencils are around now. Thinking about it makes me feel a little sad (bittersweet would be a better word for it) realizing that it has been over 11 years from that birthday. It lets me see how fast time moves. 

    At first thought I only remember how wonderful that day was. How nice it was to have so many people I called friends be there and share in what I loved. It was themed "Lord of the Rings" and I took the theme very seriously, and so did my family. Everyone that came dressed up and stayed until well after dark (mostly because of the small fireworks show). That was the last birthday I spent with dad before he passed. Crazy to think about that. I don't even know if he was diagnosed at that time. I feel lucky and guilty that I have that day. My younger sisters who spent their 9th birthdays without dad at all. It leaves me numb. In the years that followed, I would not change a thing. 

    The time spent, the people met. All of it so important to who I am and what I am capable of. The one question I always hate to be asked still haunts me. "What do you think you'd be like if he was still here?" These words cut deep, as if I'm not who I am because of this. Or the possibility that I would be more or less of a person. Who knows? I wish both of them were still here, and who says they are not alive in me? Did I not bring them back with a memory distilled from a pencil? These little treasures that I find in times when my mind is moving too fast. The hidden traps I accidentally set for myself. I wouldn't change it. My only regret is that I was not there to comfort that little boy I was. 

We learn to comfort ourselves, no matter our burden. 

Sometimes it is best to remove all that holds us back, but sometimes it is nice to have those little things. Little reminders of who you were and who you've loved. 

Comments

  1. Bryson SandsMay 26, 2025 at 4:22 PM

    Read this fully and it made me cry. I'm currently trying to figure out why exactly I cried..but I think its because you said "Thinking about it makes me feel a little sad (bittersweet would be a better word for it) realizing that it has been over 11 years from that birthday. It lets me see how fast time moves." As I am currently back at home from college I can't help but realize how much time has passed and how much I have changed and I guess how much I've had to experience in order to be the person I am now, be it good or bad...I guess my mind is just wandering because I sat down after days of moving around whilst having really deep conversations, yet still never releasing the emotions these conversations bring up. But here I am. anywho..thank you and ily

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